Reevaluation

It's been a rollercoaster of a couple of months, during which time I've made the fatal mistake of falling in... well, love is a strong word. With an escort. With an escort who is half my age. There's no fool like an old fool.

More on that later, when it'll all come out in a cathartic outpouring of middle aged angst (far worse than the teenage variety, by the way).

The one thing it has done is make me reevaluate my thoughts on the whole paying for sex thing. I definitely used to take the libertarian view that as long as both parties were fully consenting it was fine; more honest than most one night stands, for a start. Now I'm not so sure. True consent implies full information, and how can you know how it will affect you in the future? Would you consent to it if you knew it might affect your ability to form normal relationships in the future?

I've now seen some of the effects, and heard some of the stories about what goes on. I'm not talking about the illegal side of trafficking and abuse, but about the negative impact on a normal, intelligent woman who made a conscious decision to do the work and now, I think, wishes she'd never started.

To explain

I guess an explanation is in order, to myself as much as anyone. Less than two months after quitting the scene in a depressed funk, here I am back again. What can I say? I thought giving up was the right thing to do, and maybe it still is, but the urge came upon me, the cashpoint beckoned and presto! I was back.

Some interesting experiences already, but I'm still mulling over one of them. In some ways it cuts to the core of why I do this, and why it sometimes doesn't work out well.

Oh, and the depression (well, whatever it is - I doubt it's clinical, so let's just call it the blues) is still there, just in the corner, waiting to pounce if I think too long about certain things.

Quick update

It's now 2.00am. The "half hour" I was quoted for her to turn up turned into nearer an hour and a half (how come it's not like pizza, eh? If it's late you get it free!)

I was on the verge of cancelling having been lied to twice - first when I booked, then when I called back an hour later ("Oh, she's just five minutes away") - when the car pulled up outside.

Last time. I promise myself. Considered, well thought through bookings with quality independents only...

Until I get that late night craving. It's almost like getting a craving for junk food.

Fail!

Well, failed to leave it behind. Bizarre depressed post in January, but feeling a bit more normal now, and the normal urges have returned. Will post more later, awaiting a visit from an agency girl - probably bad news, as was spur of the moment and I've had too much to drink.

Note to self - must be discerning. Congratulates self on spelling hold up while very drunk.

Will post more over the weekend.

Over and out

That's all for now folks.

I've decided to leave this lifestyle behind for now. Indeed, I seem to be leaving all lifestyles behind. Over the last couple of weeks I've done little except work, eat and sleep. I have no motivation. I can't even motivate myself to seek out sex. As per my previous post, I thought about it a bit but can't be bothered to follow through. I've just realised I haven't even relieved the tension manually for at least a fortnight - there seems to be no tension to relieve. As of right now, there is nothing I actually want to do.

I could wallow publicly in self pity for several more paragraphs, but that just seems silly and I can't be arsed. So, I'm going to ride this downward spiral in private and see what happens if and when I hit the bottom. I'm not even that curious to know.

Maybe I'll be back and tonight will turn out to have been the result of too much scotch and some overripe cheese. Maybe I'll turn the corner and turn my back on my previous self. Maybe I... maybe I just won't. Who cares.

Cabin fever

I'm getting a serious bout of cabin fever from the weather. I stocked up on food last week and I've been working at home since the snow hit which means I've barely been out of the house for days. The roads are virtually impassable until you get to the nearest major route, so all I've managed is a slippery walk round the block a few times.

With all this time home alone, going slightly mad in an "all work and no play" Shining stylee, my thoughts have naturally turned to having some company. The trouble is, I'm a sensible sort of guy and I couldn't, with a clear conscience, ask someone to visit me in this weather. Far too risky to be making unnecessary journeys, and, with the best will in the world, I can't class relieving my sexual frustration as an emergency.

So, I'll stay home alone. I guess this must be a common pattern for escorts and punters up and down the country and is one of the hidden economic effects of the current cold spell!

Is this weird?

OK, so not long after my last post I did get contact from someone I'd emailed. We met up, just for the hour, and actually spent a goodly percentage of the time chatting. While not wearing anything, and gently touching, but still conversation rather than action. The actual action, as ever for me, was over fairly quickly and almost an afterthought at the end.

And do you know what?

It was great. One of the best evenings I've had in ages. I'm seriously thinking about getting in touch with her again to see if she offers a "social only" rate to go out for a meal, but that might be offensive (after all, aren't all such transactions for "time and companionship" only!?).

So I'm wondering. Just how unusual is it to get a booking where the guy doesn't really want everything, but just wants some closeness, some touching, good conversation and, yes, OK, it's nice to, ahem, finish, but it's not just about that. It's so hard to find the right person, and in my experience most of the girls I've met seem very focussed on just providing the main service - to the extent of seeming almost offended if I hesitate to, erm, dive in.

Perhaps I'm unusual, perhaps I'm looking in the wrong places. Perhaps I should post this on a forum where someone might actually read it and offer an opinion.